Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
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