Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
