Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
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