My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
