Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
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