I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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