I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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