So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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