So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
