I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
be right there i have to get my cape
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
