When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
These tits shall not be calmed
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