I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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