I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
