Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
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