i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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