he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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