When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
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