hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
People with herpes should wear stickers.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
