By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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