Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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