Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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