So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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