Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize