An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
