I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
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