Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
