And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
