i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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