I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
