No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Randomize
