I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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