My hand turned me down
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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