I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
She's like a pop up book from hell.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Randomize
