i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
