so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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