'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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