The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
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