come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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