I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
no you cant smoke seaweed
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
