I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
