so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
