I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
