The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
You have to summon your inner elephant
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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