If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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