I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
