Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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