he wants to bone in the snuggie
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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