I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
