closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
