where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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