Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
