I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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