Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
