Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
