Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
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