Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize
