as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
