I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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