He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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