Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
